The 5 Worst Types of Christmas Scrooges

1. I-Won’t-Eat-Holiday-Foods

2. I-Don’t-Give-Gifts 

“Hey man! Here’s that gift that I spent an exorbitant amount of time and money picking out just for you! It’s all 5 Seasons of Breaking Bad, signed by Bryan Cranston himself!”

“Oh hey! Wow, that’s incredible! Thanks.”

“Totally man! What’d you get me??” *looks on expectantly*

“…Oh. I didn’t have time to get anything this year, sorry.”

“Oh. Ok.”

“Yeah, sorry. …Well, I’ll see you later?”

“…I want my Breaking Bad back.”

3. I-Hate-Christmas-Music 

“Christmas music is sooooo cliché. It’s depressing, cheesy, and it always puts me in a bad mood. I can’t stand people who always listen to Christmas music. I mean, it’s all about materialism and cheap decorations anyway. If you ever hear me humming Jingle Bells, I give you my full written consent to throw a rabid possum at my face.”

4. Please-Drive-Me-To-The-Airport-437-Miles-Away

“Hey, I know it’s December 22nd, but you do me a huge favor and drive me to the airport in Kansas City? I really need to be there by tomorrow at 3:30 a.m. and you’re the only person that could take me. Thanks so much! Here, I’ll even throw in 14 cents for gas. You didn’t think I’d leave you hangin’, did you? I got you, man.”

5. I’m-So-Annoyed-I’m-Having-The-Best-Christmas-Ever

“Oh my gosh, my family is being featured on CNN at the Ball Drop in New York. They’re paying for a full honeymoon suite for 3 weeks, it’s so embarrassing. We’ll be getting dinner with Macklemore and have a VIP-access package with NBC (and I even think we’re gonna be in a gag on SNL or something). Don’t worry, I’ll be sure to post pictures every 5 nanoseconds to show you guys how unhappy I’ll be.”


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  1. Can I throw in a sixth? How about the families that send you a Christmas Card covered with photos of all the places they’ve vacationed the past year. That really makes me feel great to know that you’re living it up while I haven’t been on a vacation in years! Lottie Freakin’ Daw!

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